Ep 1 | TRANSCRIPT

00:00:00

NARRATOR

In October of 2011, 4 college students disappeared in the woods near Porter Township Pennsylvania while researching a documentary on children’s author Jakob Stanley. They remain missing to this day. Last month their recordings appeared online.

00:00:15

NARRATOR

In an effort to aid in the investigation, the families of those missing have agreed to release the following sound files. If anyone has information on those missing or the identity of the person or persons who uploaded these files, please use the contact information provided. Anything submitted may be used in future episodes. Certain materials referenced in this podcast, including the published works of Jakob Stanley, are currently protected under U.S. copyright law and may be redacted. For legal reasons, some names have been withheld and voices altered. The views and opinions expressed in this podcast are solely those of the podcasters and participants, and do not represent the official policy or position of the Iphigenia County Police Department of Porter Township Pennsylvania or its associates. This podcast contains adult themes and language. Listener discretion is advised.

00:01:12

PROFESSOR WHITAKER

File labeled: “001 Rough Cut, Episode 1 - Tell Me a Story: The True Life of Jakob Stanley.”

00:01:29

[Laughs]

A recording plays from the studio as Tolen tries to get the equipment to work.

TOLEN

(from recording)

Now out of print Stanley’s books have become a shared-

[The recording distorts and cuts out.]

SFX: Tolen hits the talk button, as he plays with the board.

00:01:37

TOLEN (CONT’D)

Sorry, RJ, technology is really angry with me today.

No worries...

TOLEN

(from recording)

Now out of print Stanley’s books have become a shared secret among a community of die hard horror fans.

Do we have a contact or am I winging it?

TOLEN

Uh, winging it. All we know is that they printed the obit.

Gotcha.

SFX: Chuck enters.

TOLEN

Hey, Charlie -

SFX: The booth door slides open disrupting the booth’s sound vacuum, which returns as the door slides closed.

00:01:57

CHUCK

It’s Chuck. ... Here. That place is gross.

SFX: Chuck tosses a take-out bag on the table.

Yassss! The good yogurt!

SFX: Tolen hits the talk button.

TOLEN

(from the studio)

Guys, no eating in the booth.

SFX: Chuck opens laptop and begins madly typing. RJ riffles through the take-out bag.

CHUCK

That place smells like a port-a potty banged a humidifier ...

SFX: RJ takes a spoonful and nothing else exists.

It’s like eating clouds of cocaine.

CHUCK

And WHY don’t they deliver?!

SFX: Tolen hits the talk button.

TOLEN

(from the studio)

Come on, please.

SFX: Chuck continues to type, RJ continues to eat.

CHUCK

I think they deny delivery to make people smell that smell. Is there a fetish category for that?

SFX: Tolen hits the talk button.

TOLEN

(from the studio)

Uhhhh.

There could be... only thing comes to mind is eproctophilia-

SFX: Tolen hits the talk button.

TOLEN

(from the studio)

Guys.

Which is sexual arousal from farts?

CHUCK

Really?

But I don’t think that’s what you’re looking for.

SFX: Tolen hits the talk button.

TOLEN

(from the studio)

I’m serious.

SFX: Avery enters the studio.

AVERY

(to students waiting)

YEAH I KNOW. Calm down, JESUS.

SFX: Avery closes the door.

00:02:36

AVERY

Uh, the students who booked the studio are here and they’re having a bit of hissy, so we have to move to the - shit, is that the good yogurt?

Uh-hummm.

AVERY

Can I haz some?

Mm-hmm.

SFX: Avery enters the booth. The booth door slides open and closed.

SFX: Tolen hits the talk button.

00:02:47

TOLEN

(from the studio)

Avery!?

AVERY

(mouth full)

What I do?

SFX: Tolen hits the talk button.

TOLEN

(from the studio)

Get out of my booth.

SFX: Chuck stops typing.

CHUCK

Well, hello there.

AVERY

What ya got?

SFX: Chuck slides Avery her computer.

00:02:55

AVERY (CONT’D)

Damn.

CHUCK

And you’re welcome.

AVERY

Verbal high-five.

SFX: Tolen enters the booth. The booth door slides open and closed.

TOLEN

What could you have possibly found in the last 2 min that I haven’t been able to find in 2 years... Oh, shiz.

SFX: There are 4 ominous rings.

AUTOMATED VOICE

(over phone line)

You have been forwarded to an automatic voice messaging system. J. Stanley is not available. At the tone please record your message. When you're finished recording...

00:03:26

AVERY/NARRATOR

It is 1982. And, across the United States every grade school child waits with baited breath, for the next release from their new favorite writer.

PODCAST INTRO SEQUENCE

NEWS ANNOUNCER

WN [BEEP REDACTED] TV New York.

MUSIC: [80’s NEWS INTRO THEME]

NEWS ANCHOR ‘83

If your child has been to a school book fair recently, chances are they came home with one of this author’s scary books-

MUSIC: [80’s SUNDAY TALK SHOW THEME]

SUNDAY MORNING TALK SHOW HOST ‘81

Our guest’s first anthology leapt to the top of the New York Times Best Sellers list -

[APPLAUSE]

LATE NIGHT TALK SHOW HOST ‘86

- Thank you. Thank you! Over the past few years, he has become a household name-

MUSIC: [PODCAST THEME]

PUBLIC RADIO HOST ‘92

- Bridging the gap between Alvin Schwartz and Stephen King -

TV PREACHER

- The devil is among us, friends.

CONGREGATION

AMEN!

TV PREACHER

He’s among us, in the form of a writer. -

SUNDAY MORNING TALK SHOW HOST ‘81

- The book might have struggled during it initial release in 1977, but now “Tell Me A Story: Under the Bed That’s Over My Head”, has skyrocketed -

ALSC COMMITTEE REP

- So many parent organizations complained that his work was too sophisticated for children-

TV PREACHER

- He has infiltrated your homes, and your children’s minds-

PUBLIC RADIO HOST ‘92

- His second macabre anthology “Tell Me A Story: Moonless Sky and Other Friends” sold out from bookstores in mere minutes. Becoming a controversial -

NEWS ANCHOR ‘83

- Stanley's books ranked on the American Library Association’s “100 Most Frequently Challenged Books” from 1981-1993 -

TV PREACHER

- Stanley’s books promote disobedience, violence and the occult! Lord have mercy -

PUBLIC RADIO HOST ‘92

- The 3rd volume in his “Tell Me A Story” collection “The Floor That Creaks, the Closet That Speaks and the Tip Toes That You Walk On” was released in 1986 to mass acclaim -

ALSC COMMITTEE REP

- All that fussing, just made his work more popular -

TV PREACHER

- Check your children’s rooms, check their bookshelves, check their back-packs! -

YOUTUBER

- I do think his final book, released in ‘99, “TMAS: The nightmare, The Dream and the Places Between,” was by far his best work.-

PUBLIC RADIO HOST ‘92

- His work has been described as “subversive” and “dark,” I simply describe it as genius.

SUNDAY MORNING TALK SHOW HOST ‘81

- It is my pleasure to introduce -

LATE NIGHT TALK SHOW HOST ‘86

- Please welcome -

PUBLIC RADIO HOST ‘92

- Ladies and gentleman, please welcome -

SUNDAY MORNING TALK SHOW HOST ‘81

- Jakob Stanley.-

LATE NIGHT TALK SHOW HOST ‘86

- Mister Jakob Stanley.

PUBLIC RADIO HOST ‘92

- Author, Jakob Stanley.

[Applause.]

MUSIC: [POD THEME SYNTH]

00:05:17

AVERY/NARRATOR

Little to nothing is known about the life of this elusive author. And since 1999 Jakob Stanley seems to have completely dropped off the face of the earth. Until a short two-line obituary appeared in a small town paper, over a year ago.

TOLEN/NARRATOR

From BOO Labs and Red Cup Media, I'm Tolen Reid -

AVERY/NARRATOR

And I'm Avery Fischer, this is TELL ME A STORY: THE TRUE LIFE OF JAKOB STANLEY.

00:05:47

AVERY/NARRATOR

A little background... My grandmother passed away a month and a half ago, and when I went to Pennsylvania to clear out her room at the home, I stumbled upon her collection of obituaries.

TOLEN

That’s a thing? ... That people do?

AVERY/NARRATOR

I guess? She had one. Grand mom got all the local papers from throughout the entire state of Pennsylvania. And in a recipe card box filed under “S,” I discovered a newspaper clipping that read: "Jakob Stanley, writer, born November 2, 1950, departed this life, August 28, 2009, may your light be reborn."

00:06:25

TOLEN/NARRATOR

Was this the obituary of the famous children's book author Jakob Stanley? Writer, check. Birthdate, check. But, could he have died over a year ago without anyone noticing?

AVERY/NARRATOR

That's when I reached out to Tolen. ... Tolen Reid is a graduate student at [BEEP] University. He has been working on a book about Jakob Stanley for the past few years. ... And, he's also one of my favorite people. Bla-la-la, one more time.

TOLEN

(laughing)

I am so leaving that in.

[Avery laughs.]

00:06:54

TOLEN/NARRATOR

Avery is very much one of my favorite people too. We were both graduate students at [BEEP] University, but she had been on a “break” from school and it was my-

AVERY

Baaaaahh.

TOLEN/NARRATOR

-first time hearing from - What? Shouldn’t -

[The mic cuts out.]

TOLEN/NARRATOR (CONT’D)

We met as undergrads and instantly bonded over our deep love of all things horror and Jakob Stanley.

AVERY/NARRATOR

The obituary came from the Porter Township Gazette in Iphigenia County, Pennsylvania. The publication has little to no online presence, which seems odd, until you try to look up "Porter Township" which also has little to no online presence.

TOLEN/NARRATOR

And, much like The Porter Township Gazette and Porter Township itself, there is practically nothing about the actual life of Jakob Stanley online as well.

AVERY/NARRATOR

Stanley barely did interviews, and the ones he did do, were all pre-internet, so they’re tricky to find.

TOLEN/NARRATOR

But the inter-webs does abhor a vacuum, especially, when a famous person with a “cult” following is involved. So, there are a bunch of rumors that float around on facebook groups and subreddits.

00:07:47

AVERY/NARRATOR

Uhmmm. I don’t know if they fall into the “rumors” category? More like “crackpot conspiratorial Creepy Pastas”... But, I do have a favorite one, and I would kill to find out if it were actually true.

TOLEN

Ah, yes. The white whale. The ark of the covenant.

AVERY/NARRATOR

Here is audio pulled from a youtube link discovered in the bowels of reddit:

YOUTUBER

I’ve been getting A LOT of questions about this recently. But YES Stanley did write a book in 1990 that was so disturbing his publisher never released it. They were afraid it would destroy his career, and it was after THAT, that he became a complete shut in. ... [leaning in] Evidentially, there is a copy of it on the dark web, but you have to join a certain “organization” to view it... totes thought about it.

00:08:35

TOLEN/NARRATOR

Very fun, but completely unsubstantiated... yet.

00:08:44

AVERY/NARRATOR

At this point, I feel that we should say, we didn't set out to make this podcast. We aren't reporters or detectives. Initially, all we were trying to do was find out if our childhood hero had passed away. But, the realization that almost nothing is known about someone who shaped so much of our childhoods and impacted our lives so deeply, left us thunderstruck. Whether he was alive or dead didn't change how little we know about him as a person.

TOLEN/NARRATOR

This is when we decided to start more extensively documenting our research. And, in order to do that properly, we thought it might be beneficial to utilize the university's resources.

00:09:21

PROFESSOR WHITAKER

Stanley's dead? How the hell doesn't anyone know that?

TOLEN/NARRATOR

This is Dr. Sylvia Whitaker, 5 feet 2 inches of denim and nicotine. Whitaker was Avery's advisor when she was a student here and my current one, which is why she’s talking to her and not me.

AVERY

We aren't 100% sure, all we have is that obit.

PROFESSOR WHITAKER

Shit. Always loved Stanley... when his first book came out and found me [she makes an explosion sound.]

[Laughs.]

00:09:55

PROFESSOR WHITAKER (CONT’D)

Mmmm... Okay, I’ll allow it. As long as y’all don't get in the way of any "active" students' projects. I’ll help where I can, but whatever you do, do not use the university's name on anything. We will not be legally responsible for any of your shit. You hear me? ... For the record, she nodded. ... Tolen was too afraid to come talk to me about this wasn't he? [Laughs] For the record, she nodded. ... I know some people at his publishing house, see what I can find out.

AVERY

That, that would be great! Thank you.

PROFESSOR WHITAKER

Don’t thank me yet. The only thing known about the man is that there’s not much known about him... I doubt his publishers will be too much help. Here, two undergrads that might be helpful.

AVERY

Oh, thank you.

PROFESSOR WHITAKER

They won't get college credit for it, but you can pitch it as "real world experience" bullshit. Stanley should be right up their alley.

SFX: “BOO” Intro Sting

00:10:59

Is there anyone here?

SFX: There is a beat of silence, we only hear the creepy basement and echoes of their breath.

MUSIC: [BOO THEME]

RJ/NARRATOR

We are all comprised of matter and energy.

CHUCK

What was that?!

I didn’t hear anything?

SFX: A crashing sound comes from the corner of the basement.

CHUCK

Did you freaken’ hear that?!

RJ/NARRATOR

So, if the Law of Conservation of Energy - the basic tenet of thermodynamics - is true, what happens to our energy after we die...

ORBS!

CHUCK

Oh, hell no.

RJ/NARRATOR

If it cannot simply... disappear?

Did you see that?

RJ/NARRATOR

We want to know.

CHUCK

Ahhh, nononononono!!!

RJ/NARRATOR

This is Charles Young and I am RJ Álvarez and this is “BOO... Beyond Our Observation.”

CHUCK

Nononononono! AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Chuck, come back.

MUSIC: [POD THEME]

00:12:02

AVERY/NARRATOR

Ruby Jean Alvarez is a super chill person and an absolute delight. Her show BOO might not have many subscribers, but it’s entertaining as hell, mostly because of Chuck’s screams, but also because she can get anyone to talk to her about pretty much anything.

TOLEN/NARRATOR

Charles “Chuck” Young is a bit of a know it all, which can be hard to take because she's right most of the time. And as you can tell, terrified of ghosts, but a big horror fan none-the-less. They have both been in a few of my TA classes and they’re good students, really smart.

SFX: Phone rings

AUTOMATED VOICE

(over phone line)

You have been forwarded to an automatic voice messaging system. J. Stanley is not available. At the tone please...

00:12:41

AVERY/NARRATOR

After leaving a message for “J. Stanley,” we reached out to the Porter Township Gazette. There weren’t any records of who posted the death announcement, but we did find out there is only one funeral home for all of Porter Township.

00:12:58

AVERY/NARRATOR

And THIS is absolutely stunning.

MUSIC: [INTENSE DRAMATIC ORGAN MUSIC]

PALMER FAMILY FUNERAL HOME VM

(over phone line)

Welcome to the Palmer Family Funeral Home and Crematory, overlooking Iphigenia’s Great Cliff’s Peak. Proudly serving the families of Porter Township with compassion and dignity for almost a century. No one is currently available to take your call. If this is an emergency please hang up and dial 911, otherwise stay on the line.

SFX: Loud Beep.

00:13:37

TOLEN

A “J. Stanley” living in the Porter Township borough of Iphigenia County Pennsylvania as of two months ago? Could he be alive!? Did we just leave a message for Jakob “Mother Fraking” Stanley?

AVERY

We used to cut through Porter on the way to my grandparent's house. Town is weird. Like there’s nothing there. Except for cows. Just cows. It’s ... full of cows. Just cows. When I was little, I remember thinking that that was where all of the cows came from. ...Did you know that baby cows will suck your thumb, it is ... adorable-

TOLEN

How long do you think it would take to drive there?

AVERY

A few hours?

00:14:11

TOLEN

Let’s go?

AVERY

What?

TOLEN

Just like on a day trip to check it out.

AVERY

There isn’t much to “check out.”

TOLEN

Come on, leave like super early and drive back after rush hour?

AVERY

If we’re gonna do something like that, we should probably plan it out ahead of time.

TOLEN

Why? We haven’t planned out anything so far?

AVERY

Uh, ok. What if we just like, do a little more background research... for now and-

TOLEN

I’ve been doing background research for years, and have a big fat nothing to show for it. Chuck does “evil google” for 2 seconds and gets a phone number!?

AVERY

You know you can download your own tor browser right?

TOLEN

Avery, come on.

AVERY

Ahhhug. Can we at least wait to hear back from the “J. Stanley” we left a message for?

TOLEN

Seriously? You have any idea how big this is? We are being given the opportunity to get there before any of this drops online. No one even knows the man lived in Pennsylvania, let alone possibly died there? WE would be the main source of information... leaving the hordes in our wake.

00:15:07

AVERY

I don’t know.

TOLEN

What’s your deal?

AVERY

What do you mean?

TOLEN

You should be up for this? This is the most “Avery-like” suggestion I’ve ever made.

AVERY

Uh, I mean -

TOLEN

Do you not wanna do this thing at all?

AVERY

Nonononno, I’m in... I’m just... Aahahha. What if... what if we don’t like what we find? Know what I mean?

TOLEN

Then, we deal with it?

AVERY

[Exhale] What time tomorrow?

TOLEN

Like early. Early-early.

SFX: RJ and Chuck enter the work room, eating pizza.

00:15:41

“Early-early” what?

AVERY

Tolen wants to go to Porter for the day.

I’ll go. Chuck?

CHUCK

It’s a little last minute.

AVERY

Yes, exactly, thank you.

CHUCK

But, do you plan on driving there?

TOLEN

Uh, yeah.

CHUCK

Taking your car?

TOLEN

Sure?

CHUCK

Can I drive?

TOLEN

I don’t see why not?

CHUCK

I’m in.

AVERY

What!?

CHUCK

I like driving other people’s cars.

TOLEN

ROAD TRIP!

Hells’ YA!

SFX: The turning signal clicks on, then off.

00:16:15

TOLEN

(narrating)

It is about 5:30 in the morning. RJ-

Hiyah!

TOLEN

- And Avery -

AVERY

Bah!

TOLEN

- met at my apartment and we are just about to pick up Chuckles...

AUTOMATED NAV

IN 200 FEET VEER RIGHT.

AVERY

UUUUUuuuuhhhh.

TOLEN

Evidently, Porter is not recognized by the nav, so we are going to use a nearby town and from there... we’ll just wing it, I guess.

AVERY

Can you turn her down?

TOLEN

Wanted to grab some audio of her talking.

AVERY

Have you gotten some?

TOLEN

Yes.

AVERY

Then please turn her down or I swear to God, next time she speaks, I will throw her out the window.

Someone’s salty in the morning.

AVERY

Bah.

TOLEN

She’s really not that chatty. Aaaaaand... here we are.

SFX: Tolen parks the car. Chuck approaches.

TOLEN (CONT’D)

And here comes Chuck.

AUTOMATED NAV

RECALCULATING...

AVERY

That’s IT.

SFX: A scuffle ensues in the car as Avery lunges from the back seat towards the phone on the dashboard.

00:17:11

TOLEN

DAMMIT WOMAN, it’s off. What the hell is wrong with you?

SFX: Chuck knocks on the driver's side window. Tolen rolls down the window.

TOLEN (CONT’D)

Morning!

CHUCK

Morning.

TOLEN

Oh, I thought I would just get us to the highway...

TOLEN (CONT’D)

...But a deal’s a deal, right?

SFX: Tolen unbuckles his belt and exits the car, crossing to the passenger side. Chuck sits down, shuts the door and readjusts the seat.

Hey, Chuck.

CHUCK

Morning, ladies.

AVERY

Bah!

SFX: Tolen gets into the passenger side, closes his door and puts on his seat belt.

TOLEN

Okay, ready to roll?

CHUCK

Definitely.

SFX: The car peels out, everyone freaks, Chuck slams on the brakes.

TOLEN

What the hell?

[Chuck begins to laugh hysterically.]

CHUCK

HA, just screwing with ya.

[Everyone in the car breathes a sigh of relief.]

SFX: The car peels out again, everyone freaks.

MUSIC: [POD THEME]

SFX: The mic pops on. It is being manhandled as levels are adjusted.

00:18:23

TOLEN

How did you miss that?

AVERY

I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know. Had my ear plugs in and -

We fell asleep, calm down.

AVERY

It was received at 8:23, so only a few minutes.

SFX: A truck pulls up and ominously idles behind their car.

CHUCK

I don’t like how this truck is eyeballing us.

He just wants our spot.

CHUCK

Yea, move it along, buddy.

SFX: The truck pulls away, as the proper mic levels are achieved.

AVERY

We rolling?

TOLEN

Yes, hit play!

SFX: Avery hits play on the VM message.

00:18:40

JANE

(voice mail recording)

Uhm, hello Ruby Jean, this is J. Stanley, Jane Stanley. You called about Uncle Russys? Uh, he was in fact the writer Jakob Stanley. I can confirm. Jakob’s his middle name, Russell’s his first name. ... Yeah... Lived here, died here, buried here. Uh, there wasn’t any type of ceremony or obituary, so I don’t know about any death announcement. [slight laugh] I didn't even know the Porter Township Gazette had an obit section? [slight laugh] I’ve only been here in the house a few weeks myself.

SFX: A loud crash happens in the background of the VM and a little dog barks and yips.

JANE (CONT’D)

GET! GO ON! GET! ... Sorry. Uh, so yeah, the Jakob Stanley who passed away was the writer Jakob Stanley. If that is what you were looking for? Uhhhh. I hope this helps you with... your documentary. Uh. If you need any other stuff for your thing, let me know ... My door is always open. Well. Enjoy... your ... Byyye. Bye, bye, bye, bye.

SFX: Avery hangs up the phone.

00:19:45

AVERY

Holy shit.

TOLEN

He's really gone.

AVERY

Wow.

We found his niece? That’s something.

AVERY

Right, it’s more than we had before.

TOLEN

We should get back on the road.

AVERY

Yeah. Wanna head back?

TOLEN

Are you kidding? Now we have to go to Porter.

SFX: Tolen opens the car door.

TOLEN (CONT’D)

“Lived here, died here, buried here.” Gotta check out Uncle Russys’ stomping grounds. ... Gonna pee.

SFX: Tolen exits and closes car door.

MUSIC: [POD THEME}

00:20:13

TOLEN/NARRATOR

Porter Township in rural Iphigenia County Pennsylvania is a place that seems to have hit a dead stop in the 1960s. Random strip malls with gravel parking lots are scattered along overgrown 2 lane roadways. The once thriving quarry is now no more than a teenage make-out spot. The sprawling Mendenhall Institute, formerly an esteemed treatment facility for the mentally ill, shuttered its doors nearly 30 years ago.

AVERY/NARRATOR

And... let us not neglect to mention, that on the very edge of Porter, sits the “prestigious” Amherst Prep School, that opened its doors in 1897, and has progressively allowed females to attend since 2005.

00:21:02

AVERY

[Yawn] Check. Well, we have arrived in Porter Township proper. Uhm, we have stopped at the roadside “pie stand and garden center.”

[RJ, Chuck & Tolen laugh outside the car.]

SFX: They run around in the gravel, shooting each other with pop guns.

AVERY (CONT’D)

Ha. Yes, most impressive. Go on, scamper away, please continue to peruse this establishment’s fineries.

SFX: RJ, CHUCK and Tolen scamper off.

AVERY (CONT’D)

[Exhale] God, I do not like this town. Even when I was a little kid it made me uneasy. Okay, I am recording this so that there is undeniable proof that, I, Avery Fischer, being of questionably sound mind, officially-

SFX: Suddenly, there is a loud knock on the car door.

AVERY (CONT’D)

DEEEAH!

SFX: The car door opens.

00:21:53

Sorry.

AVERY

Jeezeus Christ.

Didn’t mean to startle.

AVERY

It’s fine. It’s fine.

We were wondering what shoofly pie tastes like?

AVERY

Uh, it is no one’s favorite pie, but here. Wonder no more.

SFX: Avery hands RJ some money.

Yeaaaa.... No one’s favorite pie!

SFX: The car door slams shut.

AVERY

GET TWO!

SFX: The recorder shuts off.

MUSIC: [POD THEME]

00:22:16

TOLEN/NARRATOR

After stopping to pick up a local map, and some pie, I took over the helm from Chuck for our official tour of Porter. We found one block that sort of resembled a town square, but it wasn't exactly welcoming... Porter is the kinda town that unless you have a specific place to go, you kinda don’t have a reason to be there. So, I decided to pick a specific place.

SFX: It is starting to rain. The windshield wipers swipe back and forth throughout.

AVERY

No. Absolutely not.

TOLEN

Come on, it’s the only address we have.

AVERY

I’m guessing we have you to thank for that, Chuck?

CHUCK

I simply provide information, I am not culpable for the nature of its use.

AVERY

I warned you that this isn't the kinda town you go and "check out." It is all acres of private property and COWS.

TOLEN

We’re already in Porter. Wouldn’t it be a shame to not at least try?

CHUCK

It’s inappropriate to just show up to the woman's home.

AVERY

Thank you.

CHUCK

But, as long as I don’t have to get out of the car, I don’t really care.

AVERY

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhggg.

Come on, it’ll be fine.

TOLEN

What if she has like pictures from his childhood? Or JOURNALS! Avery, can you imagine?

She was awfully sweet in her message.

00:23:16

AVERY

"Sweet?" "Sweet" is what we're going with? Because I was thinking more like "addled," as in "addled shotgun owner."

TOLEN

What if we just drive by her place?

AVERY

It won't be the kinda house you “just drive by." It’s not a neighborhood. It will be a farmhouse, in the middle of nowhere and the only reason to be anywhere near there, is to go to her house. Shit, we’re already heading there aren’t we?

TOLEN

Few minutes out.

AVERY

Uhhhhhggg! I’m staying in the car.

TOLEN

Hells yeah, bae-bae.

Whoot-whoot!... Hey, everybody, lean in!

SFX: RJ takes a group selfie.

00:23:45

RJ (CONT’D)

Oh, nice, Avery.

AVERY

‘Welcome.

SFX: The turning signal turns on and off, the rain kicks up and the windshield wipers swipe back and forth more frequently.

SFX: RJ tries to post the pic, but it doesn't work.

Oh.

TOLEN

What?

Can’t post?

CHUCK

I haven’t had service since we turned off the highway.

SFX: RJ swipes through her messages.

Oh, but,... oh, never-mind, I see now. “Unsent.” “Unsent.” “Unsent.” “Unsent.” ... Okay. Does anyone have service?

TOLEN

Uhhhh, I don’t.

AVERY

Nope.

Oh.

SFX: And extremely loud thunder clap rings out through the atmosphere.

00:24:33

AVERY

Middle of the wilderness... raging storm... no cell service... what could possibly go wrong, RJ, what could possibly go wrong?

SFX: Car brakes squeal.

00:24:44

TOLEN

We’re here!

SFX: Again thunder echoes in the distance. Tolen tosses the car in park, turns off the engine and jumps out, slamming the door behind him.

AVERY

Have fun.

SFX: RJ slowly slides out of the car, the moment her door closes Chuck quickly hits the door locks, startling RJ.

[Avery and Chuck snicker.]

SFX: Raindrops lightly tap on the windshield. Then...

00:25:31

AVERY (CONT’D)

Well, the house looks...

SFX: Thunder claps in the distance.

CHUCK

Like a creepy painting?

AVERY

- Like a creepy painting.

CHUCK

It’s definitely haunted, right?

AVERY

Definitely.

SFX: The rain starts picking up.

00:25:52

AVERY (CONT’D)

Wait. What’s all this about now?

CHUCK

What are they doing?

AVERY

No idea.

CHUCK

Is he filming?

AVERY

I don’t know.

CHUCK

What the hell?

AVERY

Nonononononononononnonoooo.

CHUCK

Avery. Make it stop.

AVERY

Honk the horn.

CHUCK

No, that will just draw the “hill people.”

AVERY

What the hell is RJ doing right now. What the hell is RJ doing right now.

CHUCK

I am not getting out of this car.

AVERY

Soooooo not getting out of this car.

SFX: A car door slamming shut and a loud house creak punctuates the transition.

Avery, Chuck and Tolen are now inside with RJ.

00:26:20

AVERY (CONT’D)

You two, are friggen idiots.

I’m sorry you guys. I know you didn't wanna get out of the car.

CHUCK

GAAAAH! Something just fell on my head! Get it off! Get it off!

I don't see anything?

CHUCK

LIAR!

00:26:24

TOLEN

Can I please just show you this. Here.

SFX: The video starts, and through the rain, the faint sound of howling and whimpering comes from inside the house.

TOLEN (CONT’D)

(audio from video)

Uh, okay. When we approached the house, we heard a whimpering sound, as you hear now, coming from inside. Most windows are completely blocked by boxes? But the kitchen window was clear, and that's when we saw a small dog pinned under a bookshelf, as you can see. We would call the police, but we don't seem to have any cell service. So, RJ is gonna climb inside the window and free the dog.

SFX: RJ climbs through the window. There is a slight crash when she gets inside.

TOLEN (CONT’D)

You okay?

(from inside the house)

Yeah. ... Damn, this house is PACKED!

TOLEN

What do you mean?

(from inside the house)

I can barely move around in here.

TOLEN

RJ?

(from inside the house)

YEAH. I can barely move around in here. ... Oh Hello pups, poor thing. Oooooh, it's gonna be alwight. Yeeeesss. Yesss. Yeees.

SFX: An extremely loud crashing sound comes from inside the house.

TOLEN

RJ? ... RJ? ... RJ!

SFX: Tolen stops the video.

00:27:24

AVERY

Jesus, are you okay?

Oh, yeah, my left side got the worst of it, but I'm sure it'll be fine.

AVERY

Can you walk?

Yeah-yeah-yeah.

AVERY

Okay, so grab the dog and -

SFX: A loud creak echoes through the house.

CHUCK

What the hell was that?

TOLEN

That? ... That’s just the house settling.

SFX: The house creaks loudly again as if to clarify, “no I do not settle.”

TOLEN (CONT’D)

Maybe?

AVERY

Whhhhhoooooooooo-hooooooo.

CHUCK

Shut up.

AVERY

Whhhhhoooooooooo-hooooooo.

CHUCK

Shut up, Avery!

AVERY

Whhhoooooo is AAAAVERRYYYYY?

CHUCK

I HATE YOU SO MUCH.

TOLEN

Children, please! Can we focus?

AVERY

Fine. Focusing. There's no way we can find the front door in all this mess, so the easiest thing will be to get out the way we came in: kitchen window.

Agreed.

AVERY

Grab the dog, let's go.

Wait.

AVERY

What?

Where’s the dog?

CHUCK

Are you kidding me right now?!

AVERY

Sorry RJ, we are getting the hell outta here.

Two minutes. Two minutes.

CHUCK

Oh, come on!

TOLEN

I’ll go with her, it couldn't have gotten far.

CHUCK

AH!

AVERY

WHAT?!

CHUCK

That painting just waved.

AVERY

Okay, this house is triggering Chuck in some way, so no more talking, just make it quick.

Thank you, Avery.

AVERY

No talking, go.

SFX: Tolen and RJ hobble away.

SFX: Thunder crashes and crows caw in the distance.

[Chuck starts unintelligibly mumble praying to herself.]

00:29:00

AVERY (CONT’D)

DUDE! ... Seriously?

[Chuck continues mumbling to herself.]

AVERY (CONT’D)

Seriously? Knock it off!

CHUCK

“Now I lay me down to sleep...”

AVERY

Are you praying? Really?!

CHUCK

Just saying the "Lord's Prayer."

AVERY

That is not the "Lord's Prayer."

CHUCK

Oh, how would you know? “And, if I die before I wake...”

AVERY

I am 100% sure that is not the "Lord's Prayer."

CHUCK

What the hell is it then?

AVERY

I don't know... the "Lay Me Down to Sleep" prayer?

CHUCK

That is not a title.

AVERY

The "Lord's Prayer" starts with "Our Lord, who art in heaven, hallowed be they name."

CHUCK

"Hallowed be thy name?"

AVERY

Yes.

CHUCK

That can’t be right.

AVERY

Oh my God.

SFX: Another loud creak echoes through the house.

00:29:35

AVERY (CONT’D)

"If I die before I wake..."

CHUCK

“If I die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.”

00:29:39

(from another room)

Dog achieved!

SFX: RJ and Tolen re-enter carrying a very relieved dog, who pants and coos happily.

TOLEN

Why were you reciting the "Lord's Prayer”?

That isn’t the “Lord’s Prayer.”

TOLEN

What is it then?

The "Lay Me Down to Sleep" prayer?

TOLEN

That is not a title.

SFX: CRASH OF THUNDER.

JANE

What are you doing in my house?

[Everyone gasps.]

00:29:54

AVERY

Uh, We are so, so, so sorry. Uhm. Hi, my name is Avery Fischer. You you... Are you Jane?

JANE

Yes.

AVERY

We're from [BEEP] University? Uhm, this is Tolen and Charles. And uh, this is RJ, uh, Ruby Jean.

Hiyah.

AVERY

She called you and left you a voice mail? And you called back. We’re doing research on your uncle for a documentary? ... Do you remember that?

JANE

Why are you in my house?

AVERY

Right, this is very inappropriate, uhm but ah, your dog-

JANE

My dog?

Yeah, when we came up to see... to interview you, your dog was... howling.

TOLEN

I took video so you can see how innocent it all was.

It sounded hurt, and we saw it under that bookshelf, so...

AVERY

Long and short - Here is your puppins, safe and sound!

SFX: The dog coos and pants.

00:30:38

JANE

I don’t have a dog.

SFX: The dog growls.

00:30:40

AVERY

Well, crap. We are so sorry. Uhm, we will get out your home... very quickly. Let's go, guys.

JANE

No, no, nonono. It's all right. Don’t worry about it. It's not the first time he's gotten in here, or got himself stuck somewheres for that matter.

Thank you for being understanding.

JANE

It's perfectly fine. Ruby Jean, looks like you took a bit of a tumble.

Oh, RJ, please. I’m sorry, when I tried to lift the bookshelf, it caused a bit of an avalanche and took me down too.

JANE

Well, RJ, at the very least it's nice to put a face to the voice. You wanna cup a' coffee? Or tea? Have a lot of tea? Nothing fancy, but I just got the stuff for making up some sammiches?

That’s very kind.

AVERY

But, we don't want to put you out.

CHUCK

Wouldn't wanna impose.

AVERY

How does one find your front door?

JANE

No, no, no. I insist! RJ, you need some ice for that wrist. And, the rest of you, look like ya need some caffeine. Go on. Sit, sit, sit, sit, sit! Sit, sit.

SFX: Jane exits to the kitchen.

00:31:46

CHUCK

Uh, where do we sit?

AVERY

Pick a box.

What should I do with the dog?

AVERY

Just hold it.

TOLEN

Uh, it's a, it's a really nice... piece of property you got here, Jane. Lots of... land.

00:31:59

JANE

(from kitchen)

Oh, thank you, Tolen. The original lot was much smaller, my grandparents' inherited the house from their parents and so on. Then, my uncle bought up all the land around it. He did like his privacy, ha, as you well know!

TOLEN

Holy shit.

What?

TOLEN

So, did like Jakob grow up here?

JANE

(from kitchen)

Yep, lived here his whole life. And so did I... mostly.

TOLEN

So, this was his home. His childhood home.

JANE

(from kitchen)

And all his junk! He was a bit of a hoarder, kept everything.

TOLEN

This stuff... is all his.

JANE

(from Kitchen)

Technically, its’ mine... now.

00:32:42

Uh, what are your plans for the place, if you don’t mind me asking?

JANE

(from kitchen)

I was gonna just redd up the house and live here, but there's just too much damage from all this... mess. Not to mention the bats.

CHUCK

I'm sorry, bats?

AVERY

Shhh!

SFX: Jane re-enters with a tray of sandwiches.

JANE

All right, some sammiches for yous’. ... And some ice in a baggie for RJ. I'll be back with coffee!

SFX: Jane exits.

00:33:06

TOLEN

We hit the friggen mother load, people!

And you didn’t wanna come!

AVERY

No. I didn't wanna just "show up."

TOLEN

Sometimes it's better to catch people off-guard.

AVERY

Oh, okay. Seriously... are your red lights not flashing? Something’s not right.

TOLEN

Don’t be a spoil sport!

What’s a “Spoil sport?”

CHUCK

I’m with Avery.

AVERY

Right? I mean, she is way too okay with us being here. We broke into her home.

CHUCK

And, there are bats.

AVERY

Not helping.

TOLEN

You both are being ridiculous.

AVERY

Tolen, come on.

TOLEN

You will not ruin this for me!

SFX: Jane re-enters with coffee.

00:33:33

JANE

Coffee’s up! You know what? In the basement, there are boxes full of tapes and stuff, he always recorded his ramblings, if you can carry them, they’re all yours, the equipment too.

TOLEN

Jane, I can’t even begin to explain what this means to me... to us.

JANE

And, you even have the best resource of them all, right here before your eyes!

TOLEN

What?

JANE

Well, ME, silly! I’m your own personal Encyclopedia Stanley!

TOLEN

Oh, yes of course.

AVERY

Are you sure this wouldn’t be an inconvenience?

JANE

Heavens, NO! I am at your disposal. Let me freshen up a bit while ya set up!

SFX: Jane exits.

00:34:20

AVERY

Uh, what? OH. It’s not on camera... it’s a podcast, never mind.

I brought my gear? It’s in the car.

TOLEN

I’ll grab it.

CHUCK

Wait... are we really doing this?

TOLEN

If she thinks it’s on camera, we go with it. Gotta jump on this momentum and reel her in.

SFX: Jane pops back in startling the team.

JANE

Feel free to start on those boxes! Basement is right through there.

TOLEN

Jane, could you point me to your front door?

JANE

Of course, right this way!

SFX: Tolen and Jane exit.

CHUCK

That woman should wear a bell.

SFX: Jane pops back in startling the team, again.

JANE

Charlie.

CHUCK

Yes, ma’am.

JANE

If you wouldn’t mind, could you get a fire started? This house is so drafty.

CHUCK

Uh.

SFX: Jane exits again.

00:34:52

JANE

(calling out)

The flue is open, so you can just starter’ up.

SFX: Jane scampers upstairs.

CHUCK

What’s a flue?

I’ll do it.

SFX: RJ crosses to fireplace and begins prepping the fireplace.

AVERY

Let’s figure out where we should fake shoot this thing and -

SFX: The water pipes screech and the shower upstairs turns on.

00:35:11

Is that the shower?

CHUCK

Are you friggen kidding me?!

AVERY

Okey. Time out...

CHUCK

Agreed. Time out!

AVERY

I need out of this room.

CHUCK

Where we going, girl?

AVERY

Start in the basement, yeah? Basement.

SFX: Thunder crashes.

CHUCK

RJ, we can move these boxes and set her right over there, would that work?

AVERY

I guess I’ll start in the basement.

CHUCK

Yup.

MUSIC: [POD THEME]

SFX: Avery sets up reel-to-reel equipment in the basement.

00:36:22

AVERY

Ohmygod. Uhm. Okay. Check-check- check. Check-check. ... Reel-to-reel equipment test: Slate: Jakob Stanley reel to reel, labeled numbered 523, random pull.

SFX: The reel-to-reel starts up and begins playing. From years of damage, the tape is warbled and goes in & out of tune.

MUSIC/SFX: A creepy out-of-tune music box is heard faintly in the background.

[He recites the poem "Antigonish" by William Hughes Mearns.]

00:37:08

JAKOB STANLEY

"Yesterday, upon the stair,

I met a man who wasn't there!

He wasn't there again today,

Oh how I wish he'd go away!

When I came home last night at three,

The man was waiting there for me

But when I looked around the hall,

I couldn't see him there at all!

Go away, go away, don't you come back any more!

Go away, go away, and please don't slam the door...

Last night I saw upon the stair,

A little man who wasn't there,

He wasn't there again today

Oh, how I wish he'd go away...”

SFX: The reel-to-reel continues to play, but Stanley is silent. Avery slides the mic closer to the reel-to-reel’s speaker.

[Suddenly, Stanley releases a massive wolf-like howl.]

SFX: Avery jump and hits the reel-to-reel.

AVERY

Jesus.

[Stanley laughs. Avery starts to laugh.]

AVERY (CONT’D)

Oh. You son of a bitch.

SFX: Avery turns off reel-to-reel.

[Avery’s laughter builds.]

AVERY (CONT’D)

Oh, you got me. ... Ah, shit-

SFX: Avery abruptly cuts off the mic.